Fruit Salad

Political quote of the month has to go to Mariann Fischer Boel from the EU who in a seminal speech marking long needed legislative change said ‘This marks a new dawn for the curvy cucumber and the knobbly carrot’. We admit that this may not have quite the same ring as ‘Ich bin ein Berliner’ (JFK, 1963) or ‘I have a dream’ (MLK, 1963). If truth be known, the cultural and historical reference point for Boel’s load of words seems to be summed up by the opening lines of the Combine Harvester Song: ‘I drove my tractor through your haystack last night’ (Wurzels, 1976). Nevertheless, it was an important speech marking a significant ‘EU U-Turn’ (try saying that after a couple of pints of the best organic Scrumpy) in continental agricultural policy. To put it another way, Brussels bureaucrats have now recognized that unfair ‘shapism’ has been at work for far too long keeping perfectly edible brussels sprouts off our supermarket shelves just because they are a bit cosmetically challenged. As Boel further elaborated:‘It makes no sense to throw perfectly good products away, just because they are the wrong shape’ . Not stating the flaming obvious, then.

If any of our readers want to define the shape of a standard banana let us know. Remember: Statistically speaking ‘mean’ is also applied to bell peppers, ‘mode’ goes with Carnaby Street and reckless use of the ‘median’ could cut a banana in half.

Pink News about Gay Penguins

Some of you may remember a piece we wrote in June 2007 about Carlos and Fernando, the gay flamingo couple who became foster parents to an abandoned Greater Flamingo chick at Slimbridge Wildlife and Wetlands Trust, Gloucestershire UK. To recap, Carlos and Fernando had been so desperate to raise a family of their own that they took to stealing eggs from straight flamingo couples. Enlightened staff at the wildlife centre took them down the fostering route, which seemed to work well. Now here’s a thing. Last month a similar story involving a couple of gay penguins (or a gay couple of penguins?) at a wildlife park in China hit the international headlines. The couple, as yet un-named (which we feel is a shame) have taken to stealing eggs from straight penguin couples and are also trying to disguise the theft by substituting egg shaped stones instead….

Apparently, some of the other penguins at the wildlife park have now cottoned on to what is happening and have adopted some nasty tactics, which include trying to send this misunderstood couple to Coventry. Once one delves a little bit further, it becomes apparent that humans in various locations get worried about pink penguins. In Germany, some years back, outrage was outed by pressure groups when it was revealed that gay penguins in a zoo were being unfairly subjected to certain ‘turning strategies’ which included flying in Swedish birds to act as seducers (which didn’t work). To illustrate our point we quote The Telegraph (which we are not often known for doing) “A keeper at Polar Land in North East China explained that the gay couple had the natural urge to become fathers, despite their sexuality”. It is no wonder that the poor birds are a bit bloody confused….LET THEM BE!

Penal Reform: ‘Music to our Ears’ and ‘Funky Flip-Flops’

The Bugle editorial team are always on the lookout for innovative approaches to the ‘problem’ of youth justice. Why? Well that’s a long story which is probably better saved for another time and place. Anyway, we were intrigued to read of recent developments (advances?) in the US as per punitive options now available to tackle the problems of noise pollution. Judge Paul Sacco (now there’s a name you could do something with as a creative writer if you were feeling cruel) in Colorado has recently made international headlines with his ‘hit them where it hurts sentencing policy’ applied to young people repeatedly convicted of noise ordinance violations - in local speak: kids play their choice of music too loud, kids get taken to court, parents pay off the fines, kids carry on playing music too loud and the judge is getting fed up with this revolving door scenario. Given the heinous nature of this crime and the detrimental impact that this was having on community life (we say nothing about drugs and guns etc.) drastic measures were clearly called for. Bring on Barry Manilow! Repeat offenders are now being made to sit in a room and listen to music they really don’t like for an hour. Our Barry is getting impressive results in terms of reducing recidivism rates. So where in Colorado is this form of torture being carried out? Somewhere near Denver. Annie’s Song anybody?….

A new initiative is about to be carried out by police in Torquay, (a seaside resort) Devon, UK. As from December, drunk women who are found by police to be having difficulty staggering home on high heels will be offered the safer option of a free pair of flip-flops instead. This forms part of a wider local government scheme which will cost the UK taxpayer something in the region of ₤30,000. We accept that at the current exchange rate this amount of money in euro terms might just run to a couple of Frappés and a ’sfinakia’, but even so….
There are some health (and safety!) issues associated with this scheme that may have not been ’thought through’ at design phase (carried out in July, at the height of the tourist season in South Devon?). These include: dangers involved in trying to get the right size of flip-flop onto a drunken woman’s foot late at night; the skid factor associated with wearing flip-flops whilst trying to navigate black ice, and, of course, the hypothermia and frostbite risks that go hand in hand (?!) with wearing such footwear in winter. However - though let it be said that we do not recommend this as an export marketing strategy AT ALL - if you are Rethymnon based and are in the position of having more left-over flip-flops from the summer season than you had previously bargained for, council officials in Torquay might be interested in hearing from you