Truffle Terrorism and Chestnut Conflicts

This month, partly in honour of Guy Fawkes, we celebrate eccentricity (so what’s new?). There have been plenty of ‘weird and wonderful’ stories in the international media this month. Here are just a few of our favourites. First up is a story of chocolate sabotage: A master chocolatier at Thornton’s (UK company known for hand-made chocolates) has had to resign his post after having been caught tampering with the products of a rival firm. Mr. Colenso (previous claim to fame designing a giant chocolate bill-board) was spotted squishing truffles at Hotel Chocolat in Nottingham, causing close on 100 euros worth of damage. Thornton’s statement (according to the BBC website) was that Mr. Colenso had “handled the truffles inappropriately”. This begs the question….

In October, the world conker championship took place in the UK. Ady Hurrell, representing England, took the crown. “Why eccentric?” some of our British readers may ask. “Try explaining this to the international community” is Bugle’s response. Conkers are the nuts of the Horse Chestnut tree. To play the game: Find a good hard conker, drill a hole through it then thread a shoelace through the hole, tying knots in both ends so the conker doesn’t slide off. Find an opponent and hit their conker. The conker that survives is the winner. A couple of little known nuggets gleaned from Wikipedia: In 1993 Michael Palin of Monty Python fame was disqualified from the World Championships for baking his conker and soaking it in vinegar. Top Gear once did a show substituting cranes for shoelaces and mobile homes for conkers. After the contest, the presenter of the show, wearing safety goggles, said: ”I now feel perfectly safe being hit in the face by a caravan”. Sharks? Dangerous? Nah.

Hot Sauce and Hot Wheels

Eye-watering tale of the month. Police cordoned off several streets in Soho, London, at the beginning of October after reports of noxious fumes sparked a ‘chemical warfare’ alert. A specially dispatched Hazardous Response Team, wearing breathing masks and all the kit tracked down the source of the problem to a Thai restaurant, and confiscated a pot of chillies. Chalemchai Tangjarlyapoon, chef at ‘Thai Cottage’ was making nam prik pao (great spicy sauce). “I can understand why people who weren’t Thai wouldn’t know what it was. But it doesn’t smell like chemicals. I’m a bit confused” he told The Times.
Very briefly, we’ll mention the Cambodian cow that has been arrested for causing too many traffic accidents (if still in jail, free the cow, now), but our final story is one we really can relate to on Crete. In September, in Ontario, a Swiss driver was stopped for speeding. Excuse given? “I was taking advantage of being able to go faster without risking hitting a goat.” The flummoxed traffic cop commented that this excuse had never been used before, but, thinking about it, in 20 years, he’d never spotted a goat on an Ontario highway either. Clearly trying to accommodate world views, he added: “I’ve never been to Switzerland, but I guess there must be a lot of goats there”.

Cornelius Pointy and Stella McBarking: Role Reversal

Once again our bonkers brigade have kept us guessing (you didn’t really think that there could be a piece about ‘conkers’ in the Bugle without the word ‘bonkers’ appearing somewhere, now did you?). In true Hollywood ‘B’ movie style, early antagonism between our two planetary predictors has led to romance. To put it another way, Cornelius and Stella are now ‘not-so-star-crossed lovers’. However, even though galactically gooey-eyed, they have put together your fortunes for November (regular readers will notice that symbols have flipped) and have still managed to keep the ‘horror’ firmly in horoscope:

Satsuma and Sock: 2nd October—14th December Zest for life keeps you from obsessing about Shakespeare, Macbeth, sleep, ravelling etc. This is a good thing. A positive month, all in all, ignore minor niggles, just say “Darn it” and move on.
Paintbrush and Pringle: 15th December—9th February If things start to make you bristle, try looking to your Pringle side. Remember, other people are not necessarily as well-rounded as you are, and life does come in all sorts of flavours.
Tent Peg and Teaspoon: 10th February—26th March It’s the sorbet of life for you guys this month. You’re in pole position in terms of social desirability, and there should be plenty of parties to enjoy. A note of caution, perhaps: beware of becoming three sheets to the wind.
Castanet and Cement Mixer: 27th March—16th April Woodworm and weevils notwithstanding, you’re great at remaining up-beat. Whilst others may waltz their way through life, you dance the light fantastic. Let it roll, baby, roll….
Daffodil and Dandelion: 17th April—23rd May Some might say that occasionally you demonstrate a bit of a yellow streak. These idiots are wrong. Forget ‘tiptoeing through the tulips’ and show your flower power.
Ping-Pong and Paperclip: 24th May—19th June Think ‘Bendy and bouncy’ if you feel you are starting to go round in circles this month. That way, it will all start to hang together just perfectly.
Batman and Beachchair: 20th June—1st October Maybe not quite as high as a kite, but the sky’s the limit! Not even a sandstorm could disrupt your clarity of vision right now. Take advantage of this, and seize the day!

Cornelius and Stella gratefully acknowledge the help of Bob the Builder in providing this month’s predictions.